22 Years Together: A Few More Insights on Building Strong Partnerships.

In 2024, as my husband Blake and I were celebrating our 20th anniversary, I wrote a blog post with a list of 20 partnership tips. It's one of my favorite things I've written and my favorite piece to share because these insights can apply and help with many different kinds of relationships.

And so, this weekend as Blake and I got started working on one of our favorite annual traditions-- planning our schedule for the Milwaukee Film Festival (Milwaukeeans, be sure to check the lineup yourselves at https://mkefilm.org/milwaukee-film-fest/), it seemed like a great opportunity to review, refresh and reshare as we celebrate 22 years this month.

It was gift to be able to revisit this as so much of the news I've been reading lately has been focusing on how trust, connections and partnerships are breaking down across the world.

This was a welcome and encouraging reminder that experience navigating through the tough times-- the disagreements, challenges and conflicts-- is often most key to helping a relationship evolve to get better and stronger.

The relationships you make and maintain can transform your life, your community and our world. As I think back on the last 22 years, these are my favorite tips:

1. Start with appreciation and gratitude. I first read this in Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People and I believe it's the most important key to success in any relationship. When things are going well, it's easy to take things for granted and to start creating expectations. Before long, these can become unmet expectations. Appreciation and gratitude are relationship fuel. Practice every day.

2. You are responsible for your satisfaction and happiness. Your partner is responsible for theirs. Happiness is cultivated within. It can't be outsourced or delegated to another human. While you can help and support each other through tough times, ultimately, if one or both of you are unhappy, you need to individually take responsibility to understand why and what needs to change to be able to fix it. I think of it this way: if you're thirsty, someone may be able to help you fill a glass of water, but no one else can drink for you and relieve your thirst.

3. Ask for help. If your partner is doing something that bothers you or hurts you, don't give your partner an ultimatum focusing on things they need to change. Ask them for help: tell them what you are struggling with and why. This can create a space for you to constructively solve issues together. To learn how to practice this, read the last, brilliant mantra from Thich Nhat Hanh's Four Mantras for Turning Fear into Love.

4. "You are not enough people!" I love this advice from author Kurt Vonnegut. A lot of conflict can come from the fairytale expectation that your one partner can meet all of your needs. It's impossible. And less fun. Blake loves playing chess, and after a few years of me being an unenthusiastic opponent, he started playing more online with friends who love the game. A great outcome for both of us!

5. "Yes, and..." I took a few improv classes in my 20s and while I want to apologize to anyone who saw us perform, they were a gift for my mindset. "Yes, and..." is the first rule you learn. It means you have to agree with anything your scene partner says and then add to it. The reasoning is, if you don't accept it, you're both stuck. The scene can't go forward. For me, this is key for being able to listen without defensiveness. It allows you hear what someone else is feeling, accept it and then it also gives you the space to add your experience and perspective. This amazing tactic allows you to listen, see and feel seen-- even when you disagree.

6. Create rituals. Most every weekend, we go to a coffee shop in our neighborhood and then take our drinks with us on a long walk. Every year, we like to look through the Milwaukee Film Festival booklet and choose movies we want to see. Routines like this give you things to look forward to together in the short and long term.

7. Give joyfully. Resentment can build in relationships when you are doing things, not because you want to, but because you believe you need to do them to make your partner happy. When you give what you want, when you want, without expecting anything in return, you'll both feel happier.

8. Strive for appreciation, not understanding. Even with the best of intentions, when you're trying to understand why a person is the way they are, they can feel judged. While we're similar in our core values, Blake and I are very different. But, trying to understand each other can be exhausting; it's often easier to just accept and celebrate our differences.

9. Focus on the strength of every 'weakness'. As I've gotten older, I've started to believe every weakness is just an overpowered strength. Used in the right context, any 'weakness' can be a superpower.

10. Set your partner up for success. If you can help it, spare your partner from situations where they won't feel their best. At the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, when 'Safer at Home' was extended in Wisconsin, I remember lying on the floor in frustration at the idea of spending another month homebound. Blake came over to me and whispered in my ear jokingly, "This is how I feel when you bring me to events." We cracked up and I promised that when things got back to normal I'd always check with him before automatically RSVP'ing him as my date.

11. Create space. Our relationship has been through a few stints of long distance for his work and mine, and while it's not easy, we've always come out stronger. With distance, you get better perspective. You miss each other. You have more to talk about. On a much smaller scale, I also find when conflict arises that space is usually a better salve than more closeness/talking through it. In order to burn, a fire needs oxygen and I believe this is also true in relationships.

12. Recognize and acknowledge signs of stress. Remember that no one is their best self when they're stressed. When you recognize yourself in a stressed state, give a warning and do what you need to do to recenter. As you know each other better, you can often recognize the signs in each other and check in.

13. "The one with more sense has to use it." I absolutely love this wisdom from my friend Jessica's grandma. Stress, anger, and hunger often lead humans to pick silly fights. If provoked, don't take the bait and respond with care and love.

14. Even if it's not a big deal to you, it might be a big deal to them. You can hurt your partner's feelings with something you might not have given a second thought to. When this happens, just apologize.

15. Never tell your partner how they should feel. If you do think your partner is overreacting, don't correct them or ask them to calm down. [Side note: Is there a pair of words less effective than "calm down"?] Logic is generally not persuasive to any human having a strong emotional reaction. And, corrections often make people feel misunderstood and attacked. This invites a defensive response and escalates conflict. Defuse situations by listening, accepting and validating. If you're the one spiraling, ask yourself: "What do I need right now?"

16. Assume good intentions. Almost always, they are.

17. We are all always changing. Relationships need active cultivation, regularly. You likely are not the same person you were 5 years ago and you will be different 5 years from now. As your life changes over time, so will your capacities, needs, and dreams. When you realize how you are changing, tell your partner. The more this change involves or impacts them, the more important communication is. If you have these chats regularly, most changes will feel easy to accommodate. Sometimes you'll change before you even realize it yourself. When you finally notice, share it as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the more challenging it can be for your partner to accept or accommodate. Do your best to honor, accept and support your partner as they change. Life is a long journey!

18. "Wait for each other as you grow." My aunt Ann shared this advice at my cousin Emma's wedding and I love it! Time transforms you, but not always at the same rate. During these times, be mindful you need to extend extra patience and grace.

19. Learn what you decide, what they decide and what you need to decide together. For some things, it was obvious how we each would specialize. But, we've learned a lot of this through trial and error too. Turn every misstep into an opportunity to learn and improve.

20. Compare leads to despair. Every relationship is different and what you see from the outside is only part of the story. Fiona Apple's song "Ladies" articulates this perfectly. She sings, "Nobody can replace anybody else. So it would be a shame to make it a competition. And, no love is like any other love. So, it would be insane to make a comparison with you." Don't worry about what anyone else is doing. Put your focus on making your relationship the best it can be.

21. Be playful. Have fun. Save seriousness for strangers. Adventures and laughter make the best memories. My parents have been amazing role models in this, and I feel lucky to be able to continue to be inspired by them.

22. Recognize ordinary, extraordinary moments. I'll end with another Vonnegut quote-- one that we had as a reading our wedding. "And I urge you, to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or think or murmur at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'" When you practice paying attention to little moments of joy, you can appreciate how many there are.

A few pics of us exploring Milwaukee and beyond over the last couple of years.