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Inspired by a beautiful building in Milwaukee, for the last few weeks I've been reflecting on behaviors that have hindered me from acting more peacefully. So far, I've covered defensiveness, bitterness, and self pity.
Today, it's on to know-it-all-ness. I'm not sure this is a word and Merriam-Webster seems to agree, but I trust you know what I mean. For me, this is about oversharing your perspective closing you off to the ideas and perspectives of others. Sometimes it's unintentional and comes from knowing a lot on a topic that I want to share, but sometimes there is a sense of heroism about it -- that I have the answers and a feeling that people need to hear from me on a given topic.
How does it show up?
Offering unsolicited advice
Speaking more than I am listening
Correcting others - in conversation, in marking up a document
Feeling smug or righteous about my knowledge or choices
Why does it show up? What do I really want?
Overinvested in the project/outcome - I have this tendency when I've gotten too personally invested in a project or outcome -- it can lead me to take on too much ownership and become too invested in making contributions and/or make me overvalue the impact of contributions I make.
Avoid waste - I've found I tend to really lean into this when I learned something the hard way. I think in some way, I'm hoping that if I can share what I learned-- the past hurt I experienced was not a waste.
Prevent harm - Along those lines, I've also noticed it tends to show up when I want to prevent someone from experiencing a bad outcome, especially if I think it will have a wider impact.
Desire for control - Taking control of a conversation by sharing my ideas and opinions might feel like a way to gain greater control or influence, though I've found done in this manner - it doesn't have that effect. People generally don't change their minds because someone is talking more or talking louder; I find it usually it makes them less receptive to challenging ideas.
What should I do instead?
Take a break / Focus on something else - Taking a break or shifting to another task when I see this happening helps create more space and ensures I am more clear-headed and not over-personalizing the process or the outcome.
Ask myself: "Has someone asked me for help?" - The best way to avoid giving unsolicited advice is to only offer it when asked. And even then, I find I can usually contribute to better outcomes and greater learnings by asking questions rather than offering solutions and recommendations.
"Is this a fatal flaw?" - I learned 'fatal flaw' when my friend Laura and I were leaders in Junior League of Milwaukee together. If you've ever tried to edit a document in a group-- you can appreciate how the stylistic changes each team member makes can actually lead to a less coherent document by the end. Laura taught us 'fatal flaw' review which ensures teammates only incorporate an edit when there is a clear, unambiguous flaw (e.g., the date or time is wrong, there is a misspelling or typo).
Dorrie, another Junior League leader, shared a framework I also think is useful here. She keeps a post-it note next to her computer with the words: "Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?" -- the second point especially I think can be helpful to keep myself from overcontributing.
Create space for others to contribute - I've found it's easier to get buy-in from a group when they see their contributions reflected, and incorporating these different perspectives and viewpoints can make something better than any one team member could have done alone. When a group is quiet it's easy to fill space -- but this is a great opportunity to intentionally make space by asking questions and inviting discussion.
See our shared humanity - Many times, I think I have this tendency when I'm frustrated with someone and therefore feel more strongly about getting my point across. Pema Chödrön, in her book Welcoming the Unwelcome, has great advice for combatting this through an exercise she calls "Just Like Me" (see her describe it here.) Through this, she encourages when frustrated by a person to observe how we have some of the same needs, desires and tendencies as people who on the surface might seem very different from us. I've found it's a great way to cultivate empathy, humility and to prevent myself from judging others.
Trust and empower others - Know-it-all-ness for me is about thinking I know better than others, perhaps even about their own situation. A better way forward is to trust others to make the best choices for themselves and to empower them to decide for themselves. Part of this is also trusting that even if they make a mistake, they will learn from it and do better in the future. I'm not a parent, but from my friends who are-- I consistently hear this is one of the most important but hardest lessons.
Save energy for earnest debate - As a teenager watching a political news show with my dad, I remember asking him why the two hosts couldn't agree even when I thought one was making really great points. He told me that they were paid to disagree, to make entertainment we would watch. I'd never thought of it that way. But, I've also found that even when we're not being paid to have provocative and controversial opinions-- it's actually pretty hard to change someone's mind. It's almost impossible if you don't know know and trust each other to start. So, I'm trying to get better at recognizing that many of the inflammatory things asking for my attention and engagement actually seek to waste it. Depriving it of both is the most effective way to reserve energy for things that matter and where I can move the needle.
I'll close with one of my sister Lynie's favorite quotes, from the play "Harvey" which can be particularly helpful when you're trying to work on quieting a voice that wants to correct or jump in with an opinion. "In this world, Elwood, you can be oh so smart or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart, I recommend pleasant."
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