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Inspired by a beautiful building in Milwaukee, for the last few weeks I've been reflecting on behaviors that have hindered me from acting more peacefully. So far, I've covered defensiveness, bitterness, self pity, know-it-all-ness and perfectionism.
On the next and final for this set of the series -- people pleasing. For me, people pleasing means I'm being more oriented toward and responsive to external (sometimes imagined) factors than internal ones. It has me putting others' requests, feelings or comfort ahead of my own. With time and experience, I've come to appreciate how important it is to put yourself first, and there are many ways to do so without being selfish. In fact, doing so ensures I can stay energized and positive so I can be more generous.
How does it show up?
Concern about what others are thinking of my actions, words, or work
Concern for what others might be thinking about me
Trying to go the extra mile - usually without clarity of what that actually means
Having an unmanageable workload - I said yes or filled in the gaps for too many things
Doing things out of what feels like obligation - not out of desire or joy
Feeling exhausted, tired
Why does it show up? What do I really want?
Desire to do and be good - At it's best, I know there's a positive intent to help others and be kind.
Make people feel seen, comfortable - Again, there's a good intent here. After spending a year in a job where cold calling was one of the main responsibilities, I swore I'd be kinder to cold callers if I happened to pick up. Sometimes this tendency takes a lot of my energy and it can lead people on (In retrospect I also appreciate how the people who just hung up on me were saving me time and energy to move along.)
Avoid confrontation - I don't consider myself conflict avoidant, but I recognize when I'm slipping into this tendency it's often because I am stalling having a conversation or expressing a need or preference I have. I might not speak up right away when something is bothering me because I want to evaluate whether it is significant, serious or more than just a one-off issue.
Fill a Gap - I don't like when things get dropped - especially if I can see that they are dropping and no one else is there to catch it. Even when it's not 'my responsibility' - when I see it, I feel responsible to catch it and respond.
Ego/Inflated sense of my ability to make an impact - People pleasing can make me feel like if I don't do something it won't get done; it can make me feel unnecessary pressure and overvalue the impact of my contributions. While I do want to be someone people like to work with and be with, I also have to remind myself many people can do what I do and in most ways, I can be replaced.
Desire for control - While it never 'feels' this way to me, I've read over the years that underlying people pleasing is a wish to control the impression other people have of you. That feels ugly, but there's certainly truth in it. I like to be seen as helpful, caring and kind -- but it's also true that I don't always have the time, energy or desire to be those things.
What should I do instead?
Ground myself in my values and goals - Reminding myself of my values and beliefs helps ensure I am centered on what is important to me. People pleasing behavior in my experience can mean being overly focused on following the rules or established processes -- but there are a lot of bad ones out there! And a lot of harm has come from people following and enforcing bad rules. Being grounded in my values helps me pay more attention to the effects and outcomes and to speak up and make decisions accordingly.
Recognize that there's a benefit when gaps are exposed - I've found especially in work situations, this tendency can result in me taking on too much work, for too long. This can lead to burnout. It also can prevent needed change from happening. Even in a healthy organization it can be hard for leadership to recognize when systems or processes are broken -- because if they're not seeing the gaps -- they might not realize things that need to be adjusted or fixed.
Set boundaries - Most any time in my life I've felt powerless or too beholden to others, it was because I hadn't set clear boundaries. People pleasing for me is about being overly flexible. It means I put myself and my preferences after what others are asking or expecting of me. For me, getting clear about how I want to feel at home and work was the first step for me to recognize what I would say yes to and what I would say no to. While I value flexibility, I also recognize when I am too flexible--it's me that most feels the negative consequences.
I also give a lot of credit to Ashley Levering, who I worked with as a professional coach. Ashely now has a great podcast called "Needy and Normal" with lots of advice to help you communicate your needs/boundaries.
Ask myself: Do I want to be doing this? - It's hilarious to me how obvious this seems, but even still from time to time, I can find myself volunteering for things I don't want be doing or going to events and activities out of a feeling of obligation rather than enjoyment. One of my mom's favorite phrases is, "Some things we do for ourselves, some things we do for others" -- as I've gotten older I've realized the younger version of myself put too much emphasis on the second half of her advice. I'm glad she's encouraged us to find the a joy in doing things with and for others, and I'm glad as I've gotten older that I've also learned how important the balance is.
Don't worry about what other people are thinking - Easier said than done, I know. This has been getting easier for me with age and experience. But I'm getting to a place where I've come to appreciate what other people think is none of my business. I've also learned it's better not to respond to passive aggression. I trust that if someone has a concern or problem that they'll share it with me.
Remember that 'being nice' can hold others back - One of the hardest challenges for me when I started as a manager was giving critical feedback. While it's not always easy, withholding feedback often causes more harm to the person that needs to hear it. It's been a helpful reminder for me that not sharing feedback when I need to is actually not the kind thing to do.
When I started as a manger, I got introduced to the podcast Manager Tools and they have a great episode series on giving feedback. The hosts Mark Horstman and Mike Auzenne have tons of great advice and a helpful framework. It's a great listen for managers who are starting and those who have a lot of experience! It's also relevant for sharing feedback with peers.
Just this week, I learned about the SCARF model which offers great advice for giving feedback so it can be better understood and actionable by the person receiving it. This model recognizes that feedback can feel threatening (I think knowing this is why it can be uncomfortable to give) and offers advice for how you can ensure the person receiving feedback feels: S = secure, C = certain, A = autonomous, R = related and F = fair; with tips for how to reduce the sense of threat and maximize the reward.
Lastly, I try to think of my experience working in fundraising. While it's always fun to hear "YES!" -- I've learned so much over the years when donors have told me "No" or "Not now." Those are the conversations that have helped me learn more, get better -- that ability to have dialogue or say when something didn't meet the mark actually strengthened our relationship. When someone says "yes" - but is doing so because they feel like they have to, it's generally not a pleasant experience on either side. Similarly, sometimes donors may ask me for information I don't have, reports we can't produce, giving modalities that we don't offer -- while I try to be flexible, I've learned it's definitely better to say no to what you can't do while offering options of what you can. These direct, real conversations are what makes a relationship better overall.
Adapt my strategy for more challenging personalities - Some people are harder for me to say no to because of their tendency to be more persistent or aggressive in asking me for things or in how they tend to push back when I say no or express a different preference. Here are three strategies I use:
Have a plan - This might be cheesy - but it works, before I get into a situation that I anticipate will be challenging - I rehearse my responses in my head. Visualizing how I will feel in staying firm in my preferences also helps.
"No is a sentence." - I love this advice I first heard from Vicki Clark. Sometimes I provide an explanation when declining an invitation or to help with an extra task or project. I've found when doing so, sometimes people will start to problem solve around the obstacle so I can change my answer. For people that have this tendency to push, less detail is better. All they need to hear is "No."
Have a buddy - My sisters, my husband and many friends don't generally have problems with people pleasing. They are great partners in validating and supporting me when I want to be more assertive and rigid. They're sounding boards I can practice with and/or in certain situations-- I might ask for them to help take the lead. That said, as bonus, often I can help them when they are trying to be more flexible and adaptable in a given situation. It's so great when our complementary tendencies can be used to help each other!
I'll close with this powerful phrase that inspires me to speak up when I need to, "Honesty without kindness is cruelty. Kindness without honesty is manipulation." While people pleasing can sometimes get entangled for me with what is nice and what is kind to do, this wisdom is a great compass and reminder for me that sometimes what is hard to say and share is necessary, important-- and the kindest possible thing I can do.
I hope you've enjoyed this series and look forward to any other tips you would share!
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