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Inspired by a beautiful building in Milwaukee, for the last few weeks I've been reflecting on behaviors that have hindered me from acting more peacefully. So far, I've covered defensiveness, bitterness, self pity and know-it-all-ness.
This week, on to perfectionism. We've joked in my family that this is a tendency that's been with me since birth. My mom still loves to recount the story of how proud she was in the hospital learning that I got a perfect score on the Apgar test. (If you're not familiar, it's a quick assessment of a baby's health in their first few minutes). I have no idea how useful the test is today or how rare the result is, but it still makes us laugh because it exemplifies how long I've been working on this. Adding to those perfectionist tendencies, I'm a first born. And I'm a Virgo. All that to say, I've got a lot working against me here!
It's fun to write this today, because for many of my early years -- perfectionism was a goal I was aiming for. Now, and for the last few years especially, it's a tendency I've been working to unlearn. Perfectionism creates too many false dichotomies (right/wrong; good/bad); it often stalls me from making progress and worst of all -- it disconnects me from other people. Perfectionism is not empathetic.
How does it show up?
Delaying starting a task or project
Excessive edits on task or project
Stalling in an unfinished state
Over-focusing on small details and missing the big picture
Taking too much ownership -- not delegating
Why does it show up? What do I really want?
Desire to do well / to exceed expectations - At its noblest, perfectionism has me striving to be the best I can be. At it's worst, I'm spending too much time on details that don't matter or it's hindering me from achieving other, more important goals.
Uncertainty - Of the expectations. Of my goals. Perfectionist tendencies often show up for me when I'm not sure what I want to do or how to handle something. Procrastination = perfectionism.
Desire for simplicity - Perfectionism is attractive because it falsely promises that all the complexities of the world can be simple.
Desire for control - Perfectionism also gives the illusion that I'm in control of all the details; in reality though it's usually the other way around -- the details are controlling me.
What should I do instead?
Just start - This was my friend Dawn's favorite saying and I love it! I continue to find any time I can come to a meeting with ideas on paper -- it's much easier to tear them down and edit rather than to start with a blank page. Ironically, my husband had to remind me of this phrase just this week when I told him I was thinking about starting to do weight training. He reminded me the dumbbells we have in the basement didn't need a plan, I just needed to walk downstairs and start lifting. And, he was right. Whatever you want to do, the first step is to start.
Finish so you can start again - My friend Jon is an artist in Seattle and during a visit to Milwaukee years ago (where he painted this cool mural!), he told us one of the keys to his success was to focus on finishing more projects. The time spent on 'finishing touches' often yield limited returns and so Jon explained he tried to focus on finishing his projects more quickly so that he could capture the learnings and apply them moving on to the next project.
Ira Glass's short speech on 'The Gap' also underscores how especially in creative work, you improve not through trying to attain perfection in one piece but by working through a lot of imperfect pieces.
Atomic Habits by James Clear was recommended by several friends and I strongly recommend it too! It has many helpful strategies around creating helpful habits and stopping harmful ones -- and as a whole it underscores that you make the best progress through discipline and consistency.
My friend Emily wrote this incredible piece "I Got Rejected 101 Times" on her unusual new year's resolution. She found by focusing on the activity of preparing applications -- she ended up putting herself forward for more challenging opportunities, and while she got more rejections she also got more acceptances. So inspiring!
Make more mistakes! - I love this one! My friend Jason and I made a zine called "How to Be Wrong" in 2021. One of the many inspirations was the realization that though we usually don't want to be wrong, we know we also learn more from mistakes. Getting comfortable with the idea that we are all wrong and imperfect -- regularly -- I think has the power to humble us, be open to different perspectives, and to connect and empathize better.
Consider context & continuums - 'Perfect' is always subjective and very contextual. Even if there was such a thing as a perfect solution or strategy, nothing works forever, all the time. Now, I try to more so focusing on adaptability, resiliency and continuous improvement.
Excellence vs. Perfection - My friend Elizabeth has wisely coached me to think about the difference between 'excellence' and 'perfection' -- excellence is something that can be more concretely defined. Defining what excellent quality means (and also, when we actually need excellence rather than just OK) is a much more achievable goal post.
Consider costs - One of the funniest contradictions of perfectionism is that it makes me focus more on the imagined potential benefit than recognizing the actual cost. For me, perfectionism tends to have a true cost in my work/life balance which can negatively impact my time, energy and relationships. When I catch myself, I remind myself to think of the costs and the ROI.
Keep a picture of yourself as a kiddo close by - I learned this trick from Tracy Miller at a Junior League conference years ago as she was sharing her incredible life story. We're usually much harder on ourselves for making mistakes than we would be on others and so keeping a picture of yourself from grade school nearby can be a great daily reminder that you're always learning and that you should be kinder to yourself. I keep mine next to my mirror and see it every morning when I get ready for the day.
Hope these tips were helpful and love to hear more strategies you have! I'll finish up the series next week with one last topic (for now at least!) -- people pleasing.
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